Village Schmillage

“Don’t wait for someone to do for your what you can do for yourself”- Just me

                I am one of the few that were raised in a two-parent home.  My home wasn’t void of issues or problems, but my parents made every day feel like a real-life Cosby family (minus the salaries of an Attorney and Doctor).   My dad was a father to my sisters and me.  He was always there, and made sure that we knew he loved us.  My mom was, in my eyes, the epitome of a “Virtuous Woman”.  My parents didn’t come from wealth or great opportunity, but they didn’t allow them to hinder them from being effective parents.  There were days of punishment, beatings, and fussing.  Yet there were plenty days of happiness, laughter, sharing, empowering, and motivating.  Although as a kid, you seem to highlight the former rather than the latter. Loll.  One thing my parents always emphasized was that they loved us, and that we were a family.  Through the good, bad, ugly, and indifferent we were bound together by a family tie that binds.

                My first life and educational lessons were taught at home.  Respect for adults wasn’t an option.  When parent/teacher meetings were held, there better not have been any bad reports.  Up until college, I know I know, a C wasn’t even an option in my home.  A bad report from a teacher wasn’t permitted to be rebutted by me.  If they said I did something then it was taken for gold, and my “ass was grass”.  Although we didn’t have cell phones, my parents had not issue finding something to take away from me should I not perform at an acceptable level.  They had no problem taking my Atari, Nintendo, or not allowing me to watch TV.  There was never really any discussion about clothes, because if they didn’t want me to wear it then they didn’t buy it.  I remember when I started working, and would spend every check on a pair of Jordans.  Realizing the error of my youthful ways, my parents informed me that I would be paying my tuition since I could afford to spend $150+ on sneakers.  There was no such thing as “I don’t have homework”.  Homework would be created for me if I didn’t bring any home.

                There is an African proverb that says, “It takes a village to raise a child”.  The premise is that we all should contribute in leading children in the right path.  So I would be remised if I didn’t attribute a lot of accolades to the “village” that surrounded my parents.  This village included: a loving church, extended family members, intentional teachers, and a host of others.  These individuals served as complimentary additives to the foundation my parents set at home. 

                I am troubled by the fact that many of us as parents are looking for the” village” to be supplemental rather than serve in the appropriate role as complimentary.  When our kids fail in school, we blame the teachers.  When our boys’ pants sag, we blame hip hop.  When our girls focus more on how their booty looks rather than how their brain operates, we blame the women on TV.  When our kids don’t know how to read, we blame it on the Xbox or PS3.  When our children are void of independent thought, we blame it on their dependency on instant information.  We have gotten to the place where we expect the village to lay the foundation for our kids.

                When we decided to lie down and engage in activity that produces a child, we made a nonverbal commitment to doing all in our power to provide a foundation for them.  News Alert: the school system, entertainment world, or sports stars weren’t a part of the activity that created your child.  So why then do we expect them to be something we aren’t willing to be to our own children?

                It is time for us as parents to be parents.  The “village” can’t take the place of what is supposed to happen at home.  Single parent or two-parent homes have a responsibility to teach, empower, and discipline your own child.  When we step up to the plate and be to our kids more than just an older family member/friend, then we will see a difference.  No, they won’t be perfect children.  I’m full of imperfections, and I’ve made many mistakes that my parents wouldn’t be proud of.  The difference is that due to the foundation, I’m not blindly living.  I can’t blame anything on my parents.  Yes, the “village” is willing and able to help, but they cannot and should not take the place of the parent.

Just me

Is Your Child Following Your Lead

                For many people, May 21, 2011 promised to be a day of excitement.  They looked forward with baited breath about a long foretold, and much anticipated day.  Thousands sold their homes, cars, and various other possessions.  They closed out retirement accounts and spent every penny they had.  All due to the ignorance and misleading of this man, whom I won’t even validate by mentioning his name.  What I do find validity in, is the idea that we do not read.  It’s often said that if you want to hide knowledge from a person put it in a book.  This very incident proves that statement to be true.  You don’t have to be a biblical scholar, know Greek, or attend church on a regular basis to know that this man had no idea what he was talking about.  The Bible clearly states “No man knows the day or the hour” and that “His coming is like a thief in the night”.  This isn’t intended to be a biblical lashing for ignorance.  It is rather a hint at other issues facing us as a nation.

                We don’t read, and we are void of independent thought.  Most of what we know and relay is simply hearsay.  Some of us haven’t opened a book in several years.  Even more so, some of us have never opened a book.  This is alarming and brings to light the reason why our children tend to be more illiterate than ever before and why they would rather be mirror images of others than to create their own identity.  We get angry when we see our children act out things they’ve seen on TV, but we don’t encourage them to read.  Do our children see us reading?  Do they see us with a book/ e-reader in our hands?  Sadly, as a result of not reading, there are a lot of people now left desolate following the ignorant words of some man that has quietly disappeared.  If we don’t encourage our children to read, or model for them what it is to be an independent thinker, then they too can end up socially and intelligently desolate.  Is your child following your lead?

The Obama “Misunderstimation”

                The 43^rd President of these United States, George W. Bush, is known for several unflattering verbal outlays.  The selfish attack on the English vernacular that sticks out the most was the infamous, “Don’t misunderstimate me”.  The new President used this phrase as a response to the heated 2000 elections he’d just won.  I’m assuming his point was to not underestimate his abilities, or the power of his influence.  Arguably, I don’t think we underestimated his abilities, but we definitely may have done so as it relates to his influence.

                We fast forward 8 years later, and we find the first President with visible African American physical attributes and heritage being sworn into office.  Some said he wasn’t black enough, some said he was an elitist, and others said he was just too inexperienced.  As the black community, most of my people waited with baited breath to see what he would do for us.  Some thought that maybe he would eradicate long-standing stereotypes.  Others thought he would finally do something about the racial inequities found in prisons, educational institutions, and in the job market.  Some even hoped that he would be able to bring an end to DWB (driving while black), and the apparent issues of Police violence on African American men.  Some are still waiting with baited breath.

                I am not one that thinks the President is against reproach, or that his policies and ideologies are perfect.  I too have been disappointed in some things that have and/or haven’t happened.  Yet, like Bush, we never underestimated his abilities.  From day one we knew he was a prolific speaker, and that he had the ability to lead and bring people together.  His educational pedigree proved that he has a brilliant mind, and is a critical thinker.  So yea, we knew/ know of his abilities.  I think the issue is that we have “misunderestimated” the power of his influence.

                I sat with pride, as I watched the inauguration of a President that not only looked like me, but could at least in part, understand my culture and my struggle as a black man.  My chest was puffed; shoulders broadened, and chin held high as I realized that I could tell my children about this experience.  I felt a renewed since of optimism in the idea that I could do anything I wanted to do.  Yes, that’s the power of influence.  I saw it on the face of many people.

                Somehow we forgot that every leader needs a team.  We got him in office, but forgot we had to work.  So we sit back and do nothing for our communities.  We don’t educate and empower our youth to prevent introduction into the penal system.  We don’t enlighten drug dealers that are only doing what they are doing because they don’t know any other way.  We don’t set up programs to help rehabilitate our young men and women after they leave incarceration to prevent the re-entrance.  We don’t teach our young men how to deal with an unruly and ignorant Police Officer.  We don’t create jobs to help with our community’s unemployment.  All we do is sit back and move back into our proverbial “Crabs in the bucket” safety zone.

                Yes, President Obama can do more.  In the same manner, maybe MLK could’ve given more speeches.  Maybe Malcolm could’ve employed more desperate measures.  Maybe Rep. John Lewis could’ve taken more beatings.  Maybe even Jesus Christ Himself could’ve healed and touched more people.  Yes, leaders are chosen for their abilities, but they should also be revered for their power of influence.  Seeing this man achieve something that no other black man has should motivate us to do what no one else has done before.  It’s easy to throw stones, when your feet are up and there’s no fire under your ass.  Can we as a people, pick up the torch and be the change we want others to create for us?  Or will we continue to “misunderestimate” the power of influence created by this, the first black President of the United States, Barack Obama?

Just me

Memories For Success

"Memories of the past can become visions for the future"-

Some of my best childhood memories include daily purchases from the ice cream truck; playing hide and seek, playing nintendo running pad, taking swimming lessons, and playing school with my sister Toni  and anyone else unfortunate enough to come by the house when she felt like teaching.
I didn't know it then, but she was practicing for what she would become.  She is now a Principal and has been in educator for 12 years.
If we all were to look back at our childhood memories we could probably find something useful for helping us achieve our goals.  Maybe its an old game that we used to play or a dance lesson we took that could've lead to a career.  It can even be a painful memory that can be used to motivate us to write a book, or simply to live life better.
Don't allow those precious memories to go to waste.  Your million dollar idea could be lying in one of them.  Childhood memories are fun to recollect, but they can also be they key to your locked door.  Which memory will you use?

5 ways to better DAD

       “We physically miss absent mothers, but subconsciously deteriorate from absent fathers.”-

My good friends at Playground Dad recently released an article, “The Expectant Dads Guide to the Hospital Bag” recently and it made me think about some lessons we as fathers, need to have in order to be the best we can for the little ones depending on us.  The following are a few tips and lessons that I’ve learned.

1.       Be a better father

This always presents a constant challenge for me because I felt that my dad was perfect.  He was always there for me, and was just a genuinely good man.  I’ve failed at this, but I’ve learned and continue to learn to be better.  Set the bar high for your child, and they will always remember the example you’ve set.

2.       Time is Important

I’ve told you this in a previous blog, but quality time is as important as quantity of time.  I’m guilty of sitting on my laptop, trying to become better, while my son wants to play with me.  When I put it down and play with him I see his eyes light up, and I also experience a deeper relationship.  Even if it means that we have to stay up late to get work done, spend quality time with your kids.

3.       Keep your word

I can’t honestly say I’ve always done this in life, but when it comes to my child I’m challenged with this on a daily basis.  Children, like women, have an uncanny ability to remember small promises.  If you tell your child that you will be at that game, play, party, etc then make sure you move heaven and earth to do so.  Unlike adults, children have a difficult time understanding a broken promise, and may eventually expect nothing but broken promises.

4.       Show Love

Children are programmed to love, play, and eat.  They will naturally depend on mommy for all of those.  As fathers we have to put in extra work in order to gain that dependence.  If we don’t make the effort to show them that we are as reliable as their mothers they will find reassurance/love elsewhere.  Most of our sons turn to gangs and street life, while most of our daughters seek it from any man or woman that will show it.  Let real love start at home, and they will know how to spot the counterfeit when they see it.

5.       Lead by example

Once again, I have failed at this, but I’m learning and growing.  If you’re honest, you’ve failed too.  Leading by example has nothing to do with being perfect, but more to do with being honest about whom you are.  Show your child that you are imperfect, but that you are growing.  Being honest, and leading them as you grow, allows them to know that although they may struggle there’s hope for them as well.   Let them see you doing school work.  Let them see you in the kitchen.  Allow them to hear you praying for forgiveness and wisdom for your Heavenly Father.  Your child will appreciate that their father is strong enough to admit his mistakes, but also wise enough to improve.

Just me

Gift Giving

“Perception is 9/10ths of who we become.”

I read an article in Forbes magazine about ““the business gene.”  In this piece they looked at 8 successful families to determine if entrepreneurship was a hereditary gene or a fluke.  As I read the article, my mind went back to a concept that led me to start my nonprofit organization Created2Care Inc,.  That is the idea that perception is 9/10ths of who we become.

We hear it in music, see it in movies, and read about it in self-help books.  People often become what they see.  “I sold drugs because that’s all I knew”.  “I stole from people because that’s what we did to survive”.   Baby lions learn how to hunt and survive by watching their mothers chase and their kill prey.  It is hereditary to be a lion, but learning how to hunt is a life-saving gift given to the cub.  In the same way, we as humans learn from observation.  Although we are capable of some independent thought, even those have been perpetrated by the words or actions of others.

So as parents, what gifts are we giving are kids?  Its expected for our children in to go to school and earn a high school diploma but have we taken the time to instill the gift of learning?   It’s expected for our kids to get some type of employment but we have instilled in them the sense of self-pride and responsibility to those around them?   Education and work are expected and mostly fulfilled by children but as parents are we encouraging our children to reach further? Are we molding their characters and investing and challenging our children and expecting a high return or doing the bare minimum and expecting above average results?When our kids see us, do they see motivation and determination?  Or do they see complacency and laziness?  Do they see managers, bosses, and CEO type skill sets or entry-level and cashier potential?  I’m all for doing whatever it takes to pay the bills, but while doing that I have to cultivate a gift I can leave my son.   

It is our duty to raise one step higher than our parents and mentors.  If they received a GED, then we must get a HS Diploma, if they received a Bachelor degree, then we must expect no less than a Masters degree.  If they were entry-level for 20 years, then we need to be the boss for 20 years or own the company.  We have to show our kids that there’s more to life than the status quo and mediocrity, and that through hard work and goal setting they can achieve whatever they want.  It’s all about giving them the right perception and attitude. 

My son has the right to be set on the right path, one that I may have tripped and stumbled on but have now mastered through experience and faith. I’ve worked hard to achieve a laundry list of goals and it will all be a waste if I don’t prune and glean his character into something outstanding. It amazes me how parents sometimes place more value on temporal things such as clothes, cars or homes when their children are cast aside and often not prepared for life because of their negligence  and selfishness. I believe that the more I work on improving and expecting more from myself that the more my son can become.  I’m embracing gift-giving parenting...are you? 

Just Me 

It Aint Easy

“Unplanned transitions can be just as detrimental as planned complacency”-  Just me

I can remember being a little boy wishing I was a teenager.  When I became a teenager, I dreamed about the day I would be old enough to drive.  As a young driver, I longed for the day when I was 18 and able to go where I wanted.  18 came, and I constantly thought about life in and after college.  After college I often contemplated what it would be like being a parent.  Then it happened.

Being a parent is truly one of the greatest responsibilities, and opportunities, that can bestowed on a human being.  Some take it for granted, and others long for the chance to hear someone call them mommy or daddy.  With trepidation, we pick up books, buy clothes, remodel rooms, and send out sonography pictures.  We attend Lamaze classes, seek out daycares, and install over-the-top car seats/carriers/etc.

All this is done, but are we really prepared?  Anybody that has ever been blessed with a child will tell you that it’s one of those things where you learn as you go.  I can remember one night when my son was just a week or two old.  He began choking on mucous.  My wife and I panicked, and I jumped up to dial 911.  My mother-in-law comely came in and suctioned my son.  By the time the ambulance arrived, he was breathing normal.  So we learned a valuable and instrumental lesson.

With all that being said, I would argue that parenting is one area where unplanned transitions can be as detrimental as planned complacency.  So we decide to have kids, or do what it takes to make one, but we never put full thought into how will handle the different phases and issues of their lives.  We plan for the pretty colors on the wall, but “hope” they never have any dirty secrets.  We buy them a piggy bank, but we never inspire them to own a bank.  We tell them that education is important, but we don’t read to them or with them.  So we plan to do good parental things, but we don’t take the time to be good parents.  Point in case, how many of us have parental support groups?  What was the last parenting book we read?  Did we share with someone else a lesson we learned about a real issue in our child’s life, beyond the playful problems of the dreaded terrible two’s

We as parents have to do better to and for our kids.  If we refuse to be better, then it’s better that we don’t become.  This crosses financials, emotional support, rational development, and even time support.  Our kids require a lot, but they don’t expect much.  They expect to be fed, held, and loved.  Yes I know parenting aint easy, but what is?

Just Me