Recall on Fatherhood

“We physically miss absent mothers, but subconsciously deteriorate from absent fathers.”- Just Me

                May 8, 2011 was a day that few people were ignorant about.  The “signs of the times” were everywhere.  Weeks before this day there were commercials on almost every television channel.  Stores began marketing campaigns, highlighting the perfect gifts.  Women everywhere began putting in hints to their children and “baby (ies) daddy (ies)” about their desires for that day.  When the day arrived, restaurants had waiting lines as if something was being given away for free.  What else would one expect?  After all, it was Mother’s Day.

                As a son who values his mother, I honor her whenever it comes to mind.  She carried me for 9 months, and (according to her) her body was never the same.  She nourished and still cares for me even after 30 years of life.  There’s nothing I can’t talk to her about.  There’s never a need that she isn’t willing to fulfill, even if it’s outside her means.  Mothers all over the world deserve all the pomp and circumstance they receive.  Even the perceived, or actual, bad mothers receive high praise on Mother’s Day.

                Yesterday was June 19, 2011.  People all over the world enjoyed the day, as a day off from work.  Some people attended church.  Some people went to the beach.   Some people just had a relaxing day inside their home.  There were no unusual lines at any restaurants.  Only certain companies spent advertising money to highlight there perfect gifts. The world went on as normal, and there was probably an occasional “Oh yea, Happy Father’s Day”.  By the way, “bad” fathers more than likely didn’t receive the same high praise that “bad” mothers did on May 8^th.

                The position, opportunity, and responsibility of Fatherhood has been devalued.  I can remember growing up as a child, and never really knowing when father’s day was.  Although my father was the best father in the world, his position in the family wasn’t highlighted as much as a “best mother in the world”.  Young men don’t grow up being taught the value of being a father, but young women learn early the values of a mother.  Today, having a father in the home is almost considered optional rather than desired.  You hear it all the time “my single mother is all the father I need”.  While the notion of a mother being able to be daddy as well sounds good, the fact remains that it is impossible for her to be what a father should.  Women are incapable of being fathers not because of a lack of desire, but by design.

                In my upcoming book, “Ode to Sons”, I deal with this topic in Chapter 2: Time Spent.  We have become accustomed to having homes absent of a Male figure.  We believe that we grow up and everything is ok.  On the outside things look ok, but subconsciously our lives are void of an intricate portion of life’s equation.  Little girls grow up missing the manly love that only daddy can give, and in return seek it subconsciously from men.  Little boys grow up trying to be a man they aren’t, and learn to fulfill temporary needs of his family.  Such as: doing whatever it takes to earn money for the next meal.  That temporary state of mind plays out in life and relationships.  So that little girl seeks the missing love from a man than only knows how to temporarily satisfy the needs of those he loves.  Asking a mother to be an effective father is like asking a dentist to deliver your baby.  Yes momma is capable of doing a lot of things, but there’s nothing like daddy.

We can say we don’t need them, but just because we say something that doesn’t mean it’s real.  If it is, then say it with me, I’m a BILLIONAIRE.  Did it work for you? Nope, not for me either.  Fathers are a foundation for a family.  They are the leader in the home.  They provide mental support that goes beyond being a simply a source of child support.  I didn’t realize how important my dad was to my development as a man and human till he died.  There are natural things that only daddy can teach and share.  Momma’s love is GREAT, but daddy’s love is affirming.  Momma’s instructions are precious, but daddy’s instructions are powerful.  Momma’s touch is comforting, but daddy’s touch is confirming.  There is no real substitute for Motherhood or Fatherhood.  They both provide a delicate balance that every child should be blessed to have.

                So today, I’m placing a recall on the current value we’ve placed on the importance of fatherhood.  Yes, there are millions of single mothers.  Yes there are horrible dads.  But, just because people are horrible that doesn’t mean the role should be any less important.  We need to fight for more positive images of fathers on TV.  We need to celebrate the position even if it’s empty or being filled by a less than perfect person.  It’s time we place the due value on fatherhood and all it brings.  In teaching our babies how to be big boys, we also need to teach them what it is to be a father.  Just like we glamorize to them a life of grandeur that can be produced from being a star athlete or music mogul, we need to emphasize how being a father can be an enriching experience.   The recall begins when we declare to our sons that being a father to our children isn’t an option, but rather a requirement and a great opportunity.  Will you join me in this recall by returning all devalued and flawed concepts you have fatherhood?

Just me

How Many Lives Does It Take?

                On my morning rides to work I normally try to catch up with the latest news.  This morning as I checked the news brief, I noticed a headline that was very troubling to me.  “SF Bay transit cop convicted in killing released”.  My stomach began to turn as I read the article.

                The officer in this case, takes an unarmed man off a train for “fighting”.  While the young man, Oscar Grant, lies on his stomach the officer pulls out his gun and fatally shoots Grant.  The officer’s defense was that he thought he pulled out his taser rather than his firearm.  I could go on a rant about how a trained officer “should” know the difference between a taser and a firearm.  I could argue about whether or not, an unarmed man lying on his stomach needs to be tased.  While those will provide for heated discussion and debate, those facts aren’t my reason behind this post.

                There are some great disparities in this country when it comes to the justice system.  How can we handout 5+ jail sentences for crimes such as possession, theft, etc., but in the same breath give a man 2-year sentence after he murders an unarmed man?  Even more so then that, he then only serves 11 months out of the 2 years.

                Just last week, the world was in uproar about Rep. Weiner sending pics to women.  The Christian community was in shambles because Eddie Long settled a case.  For the past 9 months the sports world has spewed out unprecedented lashings on LeBron James over his decisions.  Everybody did so under the idea that these men were leaders, and should be held to a higher standard based on their status.  Yet today, I haven’t heard one peep about how this officer has been let off with pretty much a slap on the wrist as another young man lays 6-feet deep.

                If we can hold other “leaders” to such high standards, then should we not do the same for those we entrust with our lives and safety?  I would imagine that this officer has made several arrests, and those on the receiving end of his arrests were given much harsh time for less abrasive offenses.  Yet our justice system somehow feels that 2 years is a long enough punishment for murder.  Then they also feel that it after 11 months he’s served enough time.  Where is the justice in this?

                As a person with many friends in, and a high respect for, law enforcement, this act continues an unsettling trend.  A sworn officer of the law can beat and kill a person, yet serve less time than the common drug dealer they arrest on a daily basis.  I think an armed man with the authority of government should be held to a higher duty than they currently are.

                Some would argue that he’s a good cop that made a mistake.  Well I have a “good” cousin that’s serving over 25 years for a mistake.  I’m also sure that there are prisons all over the country that are filled with good moms, dads, brothers, sisters, etc., who have all made a mistake and now they are serving time.  I learned a long time ago that life is partially about the decisions we make, and the other part is how we deal with the consequences.  Yes there’s always room for grace and mercy to anyone guilty of a mistake, but we can’t ridicule other “leaders” for their mistakes and then continue to let “trained” leaders make mistakes that cost the lives of unarmed individuals.

                I also understand that the life and job of an officer is very dangerous and stressful.  I don’t mean to sound harsh, but if you can’t handle the pressure responsibly then don’t take the position.  Every leader has stress and pressures that can cause them to act in opposition to expectations of the position.  Yet we don’t cut them any slack when they mess up, so why should we do so with officers?

                At times I’m very scared for what my son will have to face.  I’ve been pulled over for some very questionable stuff, and I could’ve easily been on the wrong end of a “mistake”.  For the sakes of Oscar Grant, Jerrod Miller, Lorenzo Collins, Amadou Diallo, and many others, it’s time we hold our law enforcement leaders to the same expectations we hold others.  How many more have to die before we do?

Just Me

Will the Real Christian Please Stand Up

“Love is often only shared when it comes to giving, but it suddenly disappears when it comes to forgiving”- Just Me

                Almost a year ago, I watched with intrigue and anticipation as the word got out about the Bishop Eddie Long Scandal.  There were 2 victims in the beginning, and before you knew it there were 4.  I observed how the members of his church garnered overwhelming support, assuring that they would give him a fair chance to fight the accusations.  As a fresh 1L (1^st year Law Student) I began to have debates with contemporaries based on my newfound knowledge of the legal system.   Based on his actions, was he guilty or not? 

As I sit almost a year later, I’m once again observing how people are now reacting to the multi-million dollar settlement.   There are some that are outraged that Long has settled, which to them appears to be an admission of guilt.  They are also furious that he hasn’t addressed the issue, but has reportedly swept it under the rug and is moving on.  They don’t understand how one can commit such a heinous act, but still go on living as if nothing has happened.  They feel that Long betrayed them by saying he would fight the accusations, but all along he knew they were true.  They are pissed, hurt, and sad that another person of power, prowess, and position has been undertaken by a scandal.  There are some that are ready to march around the proverbial walls of New Birth, and see to it that Long is removed by any means necessary.

                Across the aisle from them stand another group of people who share some of the same emotions.  They are sad, hurt, disappointed, angry, and ready to march.  It is apparent that their march is being led by Long’s cross-town co-worker, Creflo Dollar.  Their march is for the restoration of Long.  They feel that his acts were reprehensible, or in the words of Dollar “a wreck”.  They will say, “Yes Long is guilty, but.”  Although Long’s attendee number have reportedly withered, there are still some standing strong.  Unlike journalist Roland Martin, I have never tithed the ministry of Long or Dollar.  I am often at odds with their theological aspects on Christianity.  So I can’t say that I’m a true “fan” of either one of them. 

                Over my life I have made some terrible mistakes.  Some I’m still living with the consequences for, and some I might have yet to experience the consequences.  Through these mistakes I have come to a more “mature” understanding of what it is like to be on the same end of the blame as Long.  While I do not, will not, and cannot condone his actions, nor can I condone his refusal to act as if nothing has happened, I do see both sides of this argument.

As a person that has always been in leadership positions, people require more.  Although they aren’t willing to be/do perfect, they expect it from their leader.  Long was COMPLETELY wrong in his actions.  I can’t subscribe to the conspiracy theory that a settlement is an admission of full guilt, but I do believe that settlements occur from making a messy situation even messier.  So there was some messiness happening, and at the least Long should be able to address that to his parishioners.   For me to talk about the “hypocritical” portion would be hypocritical of me, because I’m guilty of doing things I’ve talked against.  So I will stick with saying that yes the messiness should be addressed in some way.  I’m all for calling sin by its rightful name.  If you read any of my posts, then you know I constantly admit how I fall, fail, mess up, and disappoint.  I believe that calling sin by its right name begins with us calling our own names first.

                On the other side, I often struggle with how hard we love when someone is giving, but our love disappears when it comes to forgiving.  We tend to become “bandwagon lovers”.  We stick around and support each other when things are good, and everything is smooth sailing.  This is in no way a defense of Long, but a simple self-observation.  We as a people tend to love the gravy train, but jump ship when the storms of life come.  The only difference between us and Long is that his “messiness” is public.  No, some of us would never molest boys or commit any sexual crimes.  Yet each of us have done, and will do, some things that are disturbing to others.

                Some people argue that the problem with the church is that we cover up the “messiness” too much.  While there is some truth and solid weight to that, I can also support the argument that we throw away the “messy” too much.  Beyond the indiscretions of Long, are a host of individuals that have committed some wrong.  In the name of “protecting” the church, we throw them to the wayside for their public wrongs, while we hide our private wrongs.  I would even venture to say that Long himself might have been guilty of this prior to this issue.  Where are the “messy” to go?  If one can’t find forgiveness and restoration in an entity that claims to following after the ultimate forgiver, then is there really any hope for anyone?

                My question is do we somehow find relief in the failings of others?  Does it make us feel better about our own dirt when we can point to someone else as being the guilty one?  When a person falls from grace, does that help us stand up from our fall?  Maybe we can chalk it up as one of the consequences of making horrible life decisions.  If so, then are we ready to have to face those same consequences for the horrible life decisions we’ve made?  Who is the better “Christian”, the person’s whose messiness is currently on display, or the person’s whose messiness has been and/or will be on display next?  I pose this question to myself and to you, “Will the real Christian please stand up?” if there is one.

Just me

Missing Persons Report

We can never be the person (s) we want to be until we go through the painful process of acknowledging the person (s) that we are. Just me

                While looking through my TL (time line on twitter), I noticed a link for a picture.  Upon opening the picture, I saw what was a missing persons report.  On the report was the picture of a guy.  He was a father, and the mother of his child created it to symbolize him missing from the life of his child.  With mixed emotions I looked over the pic.  Sad that there’s another child living without his father, giddy because I thought it was a good idea, but also alarmed. 

 This picture made me realize how we often stray from expectations.  I grew up in a home that was big on family and church.  Throughout my life these are two entities that have been a consistent.  During the week I watched my parents work and lead a family.  Then on the weekends I was heavily involved in various functions of my church.  Needless to say, these two institutions weighed heavily on how I thought, and what I did.  One thing that they both provided, was a sense of high expectations.

                I can remember my mom constantly saying “You have a mind of your own, use it”.  That was her way of saying, “I Expect you to be/do better than anybody else in every situation”.  With that one phrase, I always felt the pressure of living up to an expectation that would make my parents proud. 

                As a teen, I became heavily involved in leadership positions in my church.  I seemed to be placed in higher positions earlier than any of my contemporaries, although I never really knew why.  With the trust given to me by my church, there once again came a level of expectations.  Although I was young, I often felt a sense of responsibility to try and lead my friends.  Though I failed, I still realized the grasp of expectations on my psyche.

                I had, and still have an issue with disappointment.  I HATE being a source of disappointment to family and friends.  Yet I’ve done, and do things that are/have/and can be disappointing.  The ideology of great expectations is ingrained in me.  I often feel as if it is what I’m supposed to do.

                This train of thought can place one in a precarious situation.  I’m a strong believer that we live conflicting lives.  There’s always a war between who we are and who we want to be.  The person we want to be represents expectations placed on us by self or others.  We see the perfecting of who we want to be, and we live expecting to get there.  Yet the person we are seems miles away from that perfect person.  This creates an inner-struggle that no one seems to understand but us.  Nobody can really feel what you are going through.  Nobody can fully comprehend the two "yous" that are fighting for dominance.  They don’t realize that the disappointment you cause them can be more detrimental to you than it is to them.

                I believe the only way we can become who we want to be, is by first realizing who we are.  We often trick ourselves into believing that we are better than we really are.  Yet, if we reach into the locked closets of life, we will be surprised at the junk we have locked in there.  We will never reach the expectations of the new us, until we deal with the painful failings of the old/current us.  We have lost touch with who we really are in favor of appeasing those around us.  We no longer recognize the facades of life as fallacies created to make our inner demons look like angels.  We have gone away from working our way through our issues, to now creating an image of overcoming.  It might not be the most enjoyable thing to do, but we need to find who we are and fix that person before we can become who we want to be.  If not, we will surely have that schizophrenic moment where the old us steps in and ruins everything the new us has worked so hard to build.  Have you filed your missing persons report?

Just me.